Every Grain Of Sand

Years and years ago around this time of year my beautiful family picked me up at midnight at my home in Marin and drove me through the blackness of the night to Yosemite National Park. And in biting cold of shadowy darkness they dropped me off at the head of the John Muir Trail.

Their only instruction was to pick me up at Mt. Whitney 15 days and 200+ miles later.

They double and triple checked that I was sure I wanted to do this, and then, with no other choice, they showered me with love, got into the car, and drove off into the first rays of sunrise.

12 days later I was up again at 12:00am, this time to begin the 4 hour climb from Guitar Lake up to Mt. Whitney Summit to catch the first glimmers of sunrise from 14,500ft. It was paralyzingly cold up there, but I didn’t care because I had done it. I through hiked the length of the John Muir Trail and I was proud and humble and in awe of this moment that my own two feet brought me to.

When people hear I was a solo backpacker on the John Muir Trail (JMT) their first response is usually some iteration of, "weren't you scared?” or “ I'm way too afraid to do something life that.". 

And my answer is always the same,

Yes I was afraid and at times the anticipation of what was to come felt debilitating. And yes I really struggled sometimes. But ultimately I choose to live and experience rather than be stifled by fear.

It's that simple.

I learned to be okay with bringing all my fear along on the journey. And I refused to let the fearful part of me hold the map and the compass.

The truth is, when you are out there off off off the grid for an extended period of time the fear is not what actually gets to you - spoiler alert: the fear actually disappears with your first step on the trail, as does everything else you think you've got figured out in life. What sticks with you and actually gets to you day in and day out, in all it's alarming beauty and pitting ugliness, is everything that is beneath the surface of those deep rooted inhibiting fears. The walking, the landscape, the pain, the beauty, the joy, the tears; it all crushes you whether you are afraid or not. And at the same time it's the walking, the landscape, the pain, the beauty, the joy, and the tears that uplifts you and gives you the space to be your highest self.

Out there you are simply a piece of nature, electric in beauty and eerie in darkness, nothing more nothing less.