Beyond the Horizon
“O Great Spirit,
I awake to another sun,
grateful for gifts bestowed,
granted one by one.”
She plodded up towards the narrow clearing that’s marooned between two tall Lodgepole pine trees, a rock ridden ramp of sorts. It is the only place along the saw-toothed ridge that doesn’t require a risky class 3 scramble to get up and over an edge. Sweat beat down her brow. The clicking sound of the metal ends of her trekking poles beat against the hard granite rock, playing an off beat rhythm to her wobbly gait. As each strike of metal met rock her clammy hands and sweaty fingers worked harder to grip at the other end of each pole; gripping to keep hold of her nerve. Her strong legs tremble under the weight of her heavy backpack as she throws her body along the bleached white talus. She doesn’t dare look up to see how close she is to the top of the pass, nor does she dare sneak a look down to see how far she has already come. Any effort to form a cognitive understanding of where her body is in space is only a distraction.
The rational placement of the smallness of one’s self relative to the monolithic mess of a mountain side is meaningless at best; she knows it, we know it. Come to think of it, anchoring one’s sense of self to the cadence of the surrounding world is only necessary, sensible and even possible in the controlled, predictable environment of society, the orderly hustle and bustle of daily life. It is utterly pointless out here.
What does it matter how exposed her body feels? When the weight of her breakable bones and the delicate shell of flesh that surrounds them are no match for the sharp granite rocks that roll and slide out beneath her feet with each step.
What does it matter how far she is from the top? When time, miles, energy, ability, survival are no longer linear.
Nothing is straight in mom nature’s backyard, not even your own thoughts and feelings. Vast possibilities are narrow portals you slip through, freedom is a door already opened, and everything is relative unto itself; all part of a spontaneously changing spectrum of experience, changing in every direction at every moment. The images and ideas of nature are always more beautiful, tranquil and picturesque then the brutal reality of living among it. It can be terribly uncomfortable to be so utterly consumed by the unresting, savageness of the wilderness; the mountains. Nature inflicts deep beauty and deep pain together, always and forever. Which is why cross-country backpacking can be such a scary experience to field. At times it leaves you lost in space, and lost within your own body and mind and soul.
The only truth the wild has to offer her is this: Irregardless of how far she is from the top, no matter how high up and exposed she feels; no matter her personal opinions, thoughts, predictions and desires about this murderous route, she has to put one bloody foot in front of the other and get on with it. A blink of the eye, a foot step, a deep breath, a moment of stillness are all an eternity when the going is tough; and when it's all said and done, these days and miles on the Trinity Alps High Route are just a blink of the eye, a single lonely foot step, a breath, a moment of stillness in the larger scheme of a life well lived.
By the time she finally wrestled her body up and over the crest of the pass this day, I think she half expected to see a bright colored banner strung between those two Lodgepole pines with FINISH LINE printed in bold across it. It had been a long treacherous slog to the top, it always is. Hours of exhausting and terrifyingly perilous travel across the side of a wickedly steep and hauntingly silent mountain side. We were only half way though our hiking for the day, but it felt like a miracle to get through nonetheless; a small victory in a long turbulent day.
You have to be tough as nails, especially when you are moving slower than the others; and she is, tough I mean. Her strength is a kind of bold, loud laughter in the face of the antiquated expression, “strong for a woman”. Truth be told, she’s stronger than most of the folks out here, stronger than the big burly mountain man your imagination often associates with wild places such as these. I don’t know a single person, including myself, who could make it through this trip being as green as she is.
Perhaps never again in her life will she feel as pellucid and as inconsequential as she does out here.
Perhaps she’ll never again come out here like this, never see herself through the piercing lens nature reveals.
Only time will tell.
Zack, Geoff, and I have been backpacking together for years. The three of us has spent months out in the back country together, walking complex terrain and climbing mountains far away from the safe reaching arms of civilization. We know each other well, very well. We've laughed, argued, cried, fought, and damn near died with each other. Time and time again we head out into the wild, woven together like a braid. We go hard at whatever we are doing, whether God, mom nature, the universe, or fate is on our side or not. We pull each other though the low moments. Together the three of us have formed a unique kind of confluence of personal flaws, rich character, and a kind of companionship reminiscent of a time long ago.
When Geoff mentioned he was bringing someone along on this trip, it was out of the ordinary. “Hannah. She runs ultra marathons”, is all he said.
Neither Zack nor I said it aloud to one another, but we both assumed, hoped, that she knew Geoff and the Trinity Alps High Route as well as we did. However, each day of the trip brought to bare a little more truth; that she had little, if any, backpacking experience in the wild like we were used to. To be honest, I don’t think she had any idea of the kind of situation she was walking into on this trip. Had I known ahead of time that she was new to backpacking I would have discouraged Geoff from inviting her. But in the end, I’m glad I didn’t. She made it through the tough days better than anyone else ever could, and her presence became a memorable and special element of the trip for us all.
So many people in this world focus on can’t, don’t, and shouldn’t. Little by little, year by year, negativity convinces people to limit the scope of their life, to ignore the possibility that dwells within their own abilities. It’s nice to be reminded that there are also people out there living differently, living for something rather than against it; people willing to carry their fear and uncertainty with them towards a new experience, towards positivity, towards the grand adventure of their life.